The Adventures of Jeff and his trusty CJ750 Sidecar, Mick

Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis of Shanghai, Jeff cruises around the city, leisurely taking in the sights, sounds and clean fresh air one Saturday Afternoon.

"You know, Mick, this is yet another lovely day in Shanghai, isn't it?" Jeff says to his trusty CJ750. "It's always just the right temperature, and the blue sky is absolutely lovely!"

"I totally agree, Jeff. My wheels are hugging the streets in style today!" Mick replies in a not so unlike Kitt sort of voice, and yet completely and utterly unrelated for copyright reasons.

"I think we should head on over to the Bund this afternoon and see if we can get our pictures taken by Japanese tourists, Mick."

As they cruise, Joe Walsh songs playing through the motorcycle helmet, a buzzer suddenly starts buzzing (as that's what buzzers usually do.) "Mick, it's the Super-Secret Marquass-Brand Red Alert Alerter (all rights reserved)!"

"I'll extend the viewscreen for you, Jeff!" Mick says. A pole extends outward from between Jeff's legs, revealing a small viewscreen, with a picture of a woman with a leather mask."

"Harley Harlequin! You vile woman! What foul scheme have you cooked up this time?" Jeff snarls at her. "Last time we met, I left you in the capable hands of the Shanghai Police Department!"

"You FOOL!" she cackles. "Didn't you know, it's off-season for organ donations? It only took one simple phone call to Guanxi Gary, and I was out of there before Mick could even toss a smoke circle. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Jeff smacked his helmet with a serious D'OH-like slap as Mick passed by his usual spot outside the Big Bamboo.

"I've left a bomb somewhere, big enough to blow up this entire city! And this time, You Can't STOP ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You FIEND!" Jeff yells, Mick, revving in anger. "I'll stop you yet!"

"You'll NEVER find it on top of the Jin Mao Building, NEVER!"
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(crickets chirping)
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"D'oh!"

"HaHA!" Jeff yells in a strange, Bruce Campbell-ish yell! "Mick, to the Pudong Airport! We've got a bomb to diffuse!"

"Uh, Jeff... she..."

"NO TIME! GO!"

Mick races full speed to the Jin Mao building to bring our hero, Jeff to the scene of the crime! "We're here, Jeff! Hurry, diffuse the bomb!" Mick quickly pulls up the wikipedia entry on bomb disposal on the vidscreen, as Jeff reads it with lightning-fast reading ability!

"But Mick, this is BomBUH Diffusing. We want to diffuse a BOM!"

"Just go! I'll talk you through it!" Mick sighs.

"Aah... the Pudong Airport. So Tall! It could be anywhere! Mick, drive me to the top of the building!"

"Right away, Jeff!" Mick's wheels extend out in super-robotic flexible form with spikes forming on the tires, and our two heroes start scaling the side of the Jin Mao... uh Pudong Airport... Building. Halfway up, they meet a Frenchman climbing up the side.

"S'alright?"

"S'alright."

In a matter of seconds, they're at the top.

"There it is, Mick! My GOD! It's HUGE!" Jeff looks over at the pink & gray superstructure.

"That's the Oriental Pearl Tower, Jeff. I think you want that metal box you're standing on. The one with the numbers counting down."

"Of Course!" Jeff examines the metal box to try to disarm the bomb. "My god! Only 10 seconds left! We've got to do something!"

9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
(cough)
4...
3...
2...

Jeff quickly picked up the metal box, and with all his strength, hurls it toward the heavens! As he watches it go up, Mick watches it come down onto a boat on the Huangpu River full of clubbers and DJ's. Fireworks & extasy flew everywhere as the bomb exploded, but the sheer amount of hallucinogenic head-bouncing on the boat counteracted the shockwave of the bomb, and it fizzled out to a mere whimper.

"That was a close one, Mick!"

"Yes it was, Jeff. But you saved the day as usual!"

"Now, on to Harley Harlequin!"

Jeff & Mick ride to one of Shanghai's most seediest areas. "There it is, Mick. The Shanghai Racquet Club! A Fortress of Solitude for some, but a den of evil for Harley Harlequin."

"Be careful, Jeff. You don't know what's inside those walls." Unbeknownst to them, the double-racquet symbol on the walls twitch as they record their every word. Jeff stealthily sneaks in, leaving Mick to scan the perimeter.

"My God, It's full of Grass!" Jeff whispers into his Super-Secret Marquass Riding Glove/Two Way Radio Radioer (all rights reserved). "There's... cars... and BMX bikes. Kids playing wiffleball, and a little girl with a lollypop! And the lake inside is so... so... crystal clear!" Jeff had to stop to collect himself. The strange fresh-cut-grass smell was almost overwhelming. "How can something like this exist in Shanghai?"

"My sensors are telling me that Harley Harlequin is in the 3rd building over, on the top floor. Be careful, Jeff. She's not alone!"

Jeff sprints into action, running past a Ford Ranger and a man fixing his daughter's 10-speed, then scaling the treacherous stairs leading to the elevator. He skillfully dodges a skateboarder & leaps over a discarded baseball glove. Children singing "happy birthday", holding a cake with non-toxic candles, three teenage girls practicing cheerleader maneuvers, a little boy carrying a "Smurfs" dvd, oddly in a plastic case with no Chinese on it, all of this, Jeff deftly avoided, his sheer skill and fortitude protecting him from the white-collar suburban onslaught.

Signs telling of diabolical swimming lessons & squash team sign-ups give Jeff a chill down his spine. He gathered all of his testicular fortitude to press on after passing the Aerobics/Yoga class poster.

As he made his way up to the top floor, he was almost floored by the Barry Manilow song playing in the elevator. Stopped on the 3rd floor, a woman clad in a flowery sun-dress stepped into the elevator and said, "Hello. You must be new here! Would you like to try one of my truffles? I just baked them this morning in my oven!"

"Baked? Oven? TRUFFLES! Get BACK foul woman!" Jeff quickly grabbed the bag of truffles and dashed to the staircase, leaving the dumbfounded woman far behind. As he looks in the bag expecting to find a bag full of furry creatures, he breathes a sigh of relief. "They're all dead! And Chocolaty! Every last one of them! They must've been poisoned by the grain! Fancy that!"

Jeff ascended the staircase to the top floor and bursts in on Harley Harlequin. "HaHA!" he yells, in a Monty Python/Holy Grail-ish voice. "I've got you now!"

Harley, shocked to see Jeff in her secret lair, points to the Ayi and shouts, "Kill!"

The ayi looked at Jeff, and says, "Stuff that, lady. I'm outta here." and quickly walks off, grabbing a 50 from the table.

Harley & Jeff prepare for the epic final battle. Harley grabs her riding crop, while Jeff readies his Super-Secret Quick Release Detachable Ammo Boxy Box (all rights reserved) from his utility belt. Harley strikes forth with her crop as Jeff dodges, pulls a bagel from the box & wings it at her like a frisbee, connecting on her right shoulder. POW, SMACK, WHAPPO!

Harley is shaken, but not yet stirred as she lunges forward, whipping the riding crop across his left leg. "Take that! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Jeff jumps back in pain, and pulls out a vampire-duck-on-a-string from the Boxy Box. "Now I can dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam you in the back with my Duckula!" The duck lunges forward, snapping at her left ear.

"Ouch!" she yells!

"What?" Jeff laughts mockingly!

Again, Harley leaps forward, flailing her riding crop like a flail at her steadfast opponent, as Jeff bends backwards, head almost touching the floor. He sees the riding crop whip right above him in slow motion. He takes the time to pick a piece of lint off of the flail as it whips itself back toward the owner.

As he leaps back up, Jeff reaches into his Boxy Box and pulls out a Cat-O'7-tails. Suddenly realizing what the Meat-Stick Seller meant by "Thanks for the tip," Jeff strikes at his opponent with the tails, grazing her forehead, and leaving an odd lightning bolt scar in their wake.

"That's it! Harley steps back and starts to summon the most evil dark incantation known to man. The room grows dark as she conjures her spell. The sun suddenly eclipses, and the moon suddenly reaches perihelion. Mars crashes into Jupiter, and Mat Ryan's poker game gets ruined.

As she chants, Jeff lunges forward and biffs her in the nose. The sheer force of the biff sends her into a startled rage, disrupting her incantation. Harley leaps up in anger, but hits her head on the chandelier, sending her stumbling backwards, tripping herself over some wicker furniture and flipping her over the railing of her balcony. "I'll be baaaaaaack!" she yells as she plummets, landing next to a man holding a tennis racquet and two little girls playing with their Barbie(TM) tea set.

"What?" Jeff yells mockingly again.

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With the crisis over, Jeff & Mick head back into town, away from the evils of the Racquet Club. Mick pulls into his usual spot over at the Big Bamboo.

"Do you think we've seen the last of her, Jeff?" Mick asks as he clears one last puff of exhaust.

"I don't know, Mick. I just don't know." Jeff sighs, and then smiles. "But right now, that doesn't matter. It's another beautiful day in Shanghai, and there's a chardonnay with my name on it right inside these doors!"

"Oh, Jeff!" They both have a good chuckle, and life in Shanghai is good again, thanks to Jeff and his Trusty Supercycle, Mick!

THE END!!?

The preceding article is just a different way to say, "Check out Jeff Marquass's new blog!" But then that would've been kind of boring, now wouldn't it.