Oh yes, it’s true. I will CHANGE a lightbulb today. 3 of them actually. Do you know why? Because I CAN!
(10 minute dramatical pause during the lightbulb changing ceremony…)
Damnit! Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. At least I have the knowledge that the third isn’t the lightbulb, but an electrical problem (which I’ll tackle at a later date).
You may be thinking to yourself, “Self… what the hell is he on about?”
I have an answer. A long long time ago, in a city far far away, I worked for an outfit in China called… let’s just call it “Aston English” (all names have been changed to protect the innocent). And for a year of that stint, I worked in a city called… well let’s just say it sounds like “Xi’an”. There was myself, another guy, let’s call him “Jamesa” and the Chinese manager. Let’s give her a cool name. We’ll call her “Scully” after the X-files chick.
Scully, Jamesa and I were running this school, “Aston” and we’d generally sit around the office doing whatever we had to do for that day. Scully was the Franchise guru, Jamesa was the marketing guy and I was the techy drone who had to print and sometimes read the emails that came in for Jamesa because he simply had no Elvis in him. Sad, but true. As they were doing their thing, I was the one on the computer doing scheduling, or payroll or Kingdom of Loathing, or whatever. And that’s when it usually happens.
“Excuse me. ExCUSE ME!!” a voice from the lobby would say. “I have a problem with my apartment! The lightbulb in the bathroom burned out!”
“The lights in the toilet! They simply will not work anymore!” I am shocked at this revelation! “Must I piss in the darkness?” My my… the lightbulb broke! Whatever shall we do? He or she continues… “Can you send someone over to fix it? Do I have to pay for it?”
As I would do the same to all my plebs, I say, “We can handle this crisis for you!” I would look out to the lobby and yell, “Water! Marco Polo! (Seriously, that was their names!) Fetch thine tools and ease this plebeian’s pains! Go change the lightbulb for him!”
Why would we do this for our fellow expatriated citizens? Because we cared! The arduous task of changing a lightbulb cannot be performed by those from abroad. It’s simply a matter of principle for us not to have to succumb to such a tedious task when we can simply send in “The Chinese”. If it weren’t for “The Chinese”, hundreds of thousands of China’s “Experts” would indeed have to defecate in the darkness.
But what indeed is the solution to this seemingly impossible conundrum? Can it be that those chosen “Experts” may indeed have to learn Chinese in order to fix their darkened debacle? Well… no. I purchased my lightbulbs sans Chinese language skills. Do the “Experts” have to have any electrician skills? Nope. It’s a fucking lightbulb. So what can possibly stop those that are “Experts” in their field from changing their lightbulb?
Certainly not so much in Shanghai, as the dreaded laowai (老外) are a dime a dozen here, but in other parts of China, the “laowai” is indeed king or queen of the country. This is true! I’m not making it up! Constant badgering by the locals to “laowai” saying “You so Clever/Handsome/Beautiful/Smart…” somehow does something to some of these people (Edward Lighthart probably).
The moral of this story is, change your own damn lightbulb!
