SinoPenn

That’s right. I said it. THE BEST!

Case #1. Line 2 Zhongshan Park. Excellent Security!

Look at Zhongshan Park line 2 entrance. Before you enter, you’ll notice the red area taped off for security reasons. They have about 3 guards, an airport-style bag x-ray machine and a nice long queue to help you appreciate the security all the more. What’s more is that the guards are trained SO well that they don’t really even HAVE to check your bag! They can look at you and simply SEE if you’re a terrorist! No need to actually scan your bag! They must be stopping hundreds of terrorist threats everyday! Terrorists, watch out! You won’t be getting onto the Shanghai Metro! Not at Zhongshan Park at least!

Case #2. Line 9 Jiuting Station. Crowd Control to Major Tom…

The Jiuting station must be a test bed for additional improvements to an already wonderful subway system. Walking into Jiuting Station, you’ll see about 3 or 4 guards inside their kiosk, and another few scattered about here and there. Nearby, only a five minute walk, is where you buy your one-shot metro card. Here’s where the magic begins!

Out of the 4 machines, only about 2 of them are working at any given time. The touch-screen system generally only works some of the time. Some don’t even take bills; only change, with handy tape & cardboard to let you know. Why is this? If all the machines actually worked, imagine the sheer chaos that would occur should everyone actually get their tickets all at once?

But that’s not all…

Another wonderous idea that have there concerns how the cards work at the entrance/exit area. Every other card doesn’t go through the first time, there-by jamming a bar into the guts of the rushing passengers. “Aiya!!!”, “Shenme?!”, “Ow!!!” & “Oouuf!!” are common grateful acknowledgments of this safety system. After the bar stops them, and the three or four people behind them come flying at them, they’ll soon know the value of patience.

Case #3. Line 9 Yishan Lu. Major Tom to Crowd Control…

If and when you do safely enter Jiuting Station, and your destination happens to be Yishan Road, you’ll be happy to know that the Shanghai Metro has organized this station in a way that, when you exit on Yishan Lu, Line 9, you’ll be greeted by four dozen happy Shanghai residence who are very happy to slow you down, even stop you should you wish to exit this wonderful subway car. Yes indeed, you’ll have to REALLY want to get off the car to be able to get off the car, as dozens of citizens vie for those coveted seats you just left empty. Imagine the excitement of trampling old women, tossing babies over your shoulder, kicking children & “unwittingly” grabbing the asses & tits of EVERYONE around you as you try to exit the car!

Shanghai really DOES have the best system in the world!

Addendum- Standing on the Right.

The metro now features “Stand on the right, walk on the left” stickers at the tops & bottoms of most of their escalators now, thanks to them heeding my advice from past posts here. Just think. In about eight years, people might start heeding the advice! Happy Everyday!

As mentioned HERE about 2 & 1/2 years ago, I have an unhealthy, violent reaction when two dorktards decide to stand next to each other on the escalator, ignoring the plight of the hurried impatient people who generally like to WALK up the stairs.  Sure they’re moving FOR YOU.  But that doesn’t mean I want to stand for 5 minutes while I slowly ascend out of the Shanghai Subway Abyss.

However, recently, Shanghai’s own HAIBAO has heard my pleas and has now graced the metro system with his presence.  He’s looking at YOU, idiot couple who can’t wait to get a room, and have to stand necking on the escalators.  And YOU, morons who stand in the MIDDLE, yapping nonsense on the phone.  And ESPECIALLY YOU, walls-of-girls who can’t seem to unattach yourselves from each others shoulders.  Haibao is watching, and he’s waving his blue fists at YOU! In ANGER!

Shanghaiist talks about it here.  Have a read, and applaud the new metro hero!

Haibao will Mess you up if you stand on the left.

You’ve made the lines at the checkout 5 times SLOWER than what they were before! How did you do it? By offering a 5 RMB coupon for every 200 RMB spent at the cash register!

How this works: Say you’re out shopping with the missus & the little ones. Fill your cart up nice & full. Now, head over to the check out area.

Unload your cart, but keep an eye out on the total price. When it goes over 200 RMB, shout, “STOP!!!” and pay & get your coupon, and let her bag everything up. Start again. Unload more groceries, yell “STOP!!!” at 200 RMB, pay & get your coupon. Wash, Rinse, Repeat ad nauseum.

Congratu-fuckin’-lations on making an already slow line even slower!

As Shanghai pushes to be farther & farther in the forefront of Chinese & Asian society, we should take a look at what we, both Chinese & expats can do to further see Shanghai into the future of Asian commerce & industry. Let’s look at the Metro escalator facilities. See exhibit A below.

Exhibit A

Here we have a pic of a typical escalator (gratuitously ripped from flickr.com). Note the girl patiently waiting for her business partner at the bottom. “Where is he?” she wonders. “Surely he should be down the escalator by now! What’s the hold-up?”

The hold up is simple. Upon exiting the train, commuters en masse & en volume rush to the escalator to head out of the metro station. The winners of this mad rush have a choice. Walk… or stand. They quickly make their decision as the victors in this contest, and ultimately choose to stand. While they’re quick to get to the escalator, they’re slow in coming down the escalator. (imagine the chaos that would ensue if the escalator should suddenly stop! The whole city would be stranded on these moving monstrosities!)

Ol’ Eric has a simple, yet effective solution to quickly & vastly improve Shanghai’s efficiency in the metro system. When going up the escalator, should you decide to stand, think of how you could greatly improve the efficiency of our fair city by standing on the right side of the escalator only, thereby allowing others wishing to walk access to an obstacle-free path up the elevator. See exhibit B below.

Exhibit B

For going down the escalator, the same principles could apply. By standing on only one side of the escalator, you are allowing people with urgent business to continue on their way to their urgent business meetings! See Exhibit C on the proper usage of down-directional escalators.

Exhibit C

So what possible motivation do you have to follow Skyline’s rule of escalator usage? Imagine if you will, you and your significant other, riding the escalator. You both won the big race to the escalator, and you choose to stand, side by side, holding hands, his hand down her back pocket, and her hand down… well you get the idea. But behind you is a diplomat from the great nation of San Serriffe. He has documented evidence in his briefcase that must get to a meeting at the German Consulate, located next door to Castle Oktober. This information could avoid a great war between Germany & San Serriffe. By standing there, you and your significant other could cause him to miss the next train to the embassy, thereby causing him to be late for a meeting, thereby causing the German officials to storm out of the meeting, insulted and angry. Next thing you know, Germany is attacking San Serriffe, England is attacking the Falklands, America is attacking bottles of Scotch & all chaos breaks loose. All because your hand was down his… you get the idea.

The moral of this story is… get the hell out of Eric’s way on the escalator. Okay?